I want to start by saying that I am a mtf transgender. Its been hard saying that but it has gotten easier recently, and that’s part of why I want to start this blog and talk about it. The more I do, I think the easier coming out about it will be.
So I guess I will start at the beginning. Ever since I was little I have know that I am not comfortable in my body. I tried putting it out of my mind, and as a kid that was easier, but as I grew I knew I wasn’t happy. Around 14 I started to experiment with cross-dressing, stealing my moms clothes and dressing up when no one was around. I loved it. I never looked right though, I was too… boyish. I guess I should also explain, Back then I was 6’ and still growing. I hated it, and when dressing up, nothing fit right. Also wearing your moms clothes, they are all for much older people. Anyway, I knew what I wanted then, I wanted to be a girl. But I felt I was too tall, too boyish, to do anything about it, I could never be the shorter petite girl I wanted to be. I was also afraid. I didn’t want anyone to know, I was already a nerd and picked on enough. I had already started to put on a thick skin from being picked on, and with this I constructed a wall around my emotions and resolved to never let anyone know that I wanted this. Its the biggest regret of my life, knowing what I know now.
This has weighed heavily on me since then. I’ve been depressed all that time, jealous of women and the body that I wanted. By college I was thinking more and more of it. The more I researched it the more I knew I had to act, but I could never talk to anyone about it. It made me more depressed. I couldn’t look at women without thinking about it, I couldn’t go to the beach with out becoming horribly depressed. I still couldn’t talk to people about it. I had lots of wonderful friends but could not let anyone past the wall that I had constructed. They were all my best friends but I always kept them at arms reach. I always kept up a facade that I was happy. Every one believed it. If anyone saw through it and asked me if anything was wrong I would brush them off, tell them that everything was fine. I had some issues with school, didn’t do as well as I should, got kicked out, did nothing for a year and then when back to school. I kept it from everyone, and said I needed a break, and the lies started piling up.
Then I moved into another apartment, and for the summer I was alone in the house. I started to cross-dress again, this time I was able to buy my own clothes. I started to just wear womens clothes around the house all the time. I started to be more comfortable with the idea of transitioning and how I may look on the other side. I was in a relationship though, and I didn’t know how she would react. I loved her so much that I didn’t want to risk loosing her. We were living together at the time, so when she came back I hid all the clothes and didn’t cross-dress anymore. I was very afraid she would find them, and it would be over. And it went on like that, and while she made me very happy, I was always thinking about becoming a woman.
She got a job on the other side of the country. We wanted to stay together as we were going on 3 years, so we tried long distance. It worked for awhile, we skype every night, but I always got some weird nagging feeling something wasn’t right. Just before I was going to fly out and visit her for her birthday she told me that she wanted to break up. It was a awkward trip. But we have remained close, I still love her. She says that she doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, having a job and in a new place she wants to find herself. I hope that by moving out there too, which was my plan before she broke up with me, I can get back together. She isn’t sure of that.
I had always thought that if I broke up with her I was come out and start transitioning. But right now I don’t want to ruin my chances with her by doing that. So I am coming out to my friends and my parents but not her, not yet. Thankfully my friends have been very understanding so far, and very supportive. I feel so lucky that I don’t think I will lose any friends over this. My Ex and I are very good friends and I know she wouldn’t stop being my friend over this but it may cement the breakup.
So now your caught up to this point. I want to use this blog to document my transition in some way, and just to be able to talk about clothes and shoes and what I want. Also to give people an idea of what I look like now and for my self later, I am 6’ 4” 200lb(but going down!) and am woman’s size 14 and shoe size 12. I’ll probably do a proper measuring later. I think that’s enough for my first post.